Every Girl Ever is So Fat!
by Rachel Upshaw, New York, NY, http://www.guidetomenhattan.com/
Did you know that it's March Madness? Wait, college basketball? Brackets? What are you talking about?
I'm talking about when it's the end of March and it dawns on you that - OMG - Memorial Day is, like, right around the corner! Then the "People Will See This Body Half-Naked" Dread sinks in because, like Every girl ever, I just realized that I'm so fat! Like Every girl ever, I was riding high on fumes from looking good last summer. Then things went down hill when, like Every girl ever, I didn't think that diets had any business in my holiday celebration considerations. A plate of Christmas cookies all for me? Don't mind if I do!
Then, like Every girl ever, I pretended to care about this turn of events when New Year's rolled around because, like Every girl ever knows, you have to at least say your resolution is to lose weight. Like Every girl ever, though, I knew this was shit.
I put off dealing with this problem by covering up myself with the necessary 75 articles of clothing. Plus, at least the upside to wearing tights every day is having them suck you in like linked sausage? Hmm, sausage? Am I hungry?
Anyway, after a few months of hibernation, I started to realize there was a problem when I couldn't fit into that ambitious pair of jeans I bought last summer. You know, the ones that make my ass look good! Like every girl ever, at first I blamed it on the fact that they had just been washed. Like Every girl ever, I was in denial, the first stage of grief. Grief for my non-fatass former self.
Like Every girl ever, I'm going to show this fatass who is boss! Like Every girl ever this will involve more talk than action, but girls love talking, so it's fine, because talking burns calories! So does sleeping. Sleeping in on Saturday mornings instead of going to Pilates is totally what every girl ever would do, so that's fine too!
No, but seriously, this time I really mean it! I'm super committed! Along with Every girl ever, I have started going to every class at the gym. Wow, some are really hard! Every girl ever, though, is panting and sweating just like me. Every girl ever does not look good working out. Except some girls do manage to look pretty, but they probably suck and have no friends.
Anyway, I've been working out really hard and eating salads every day for lunch. I'm certain the pounds are just shedding off. Then, like Every girl ever, I step on the scale to congratulate myself on my progress. "WHAT?? I GAINED a pound this weekend!?!" Like Every girl ever, I didn't really factor in that drinking 24 mimosas might be a little excessive in the caloric intake department.
Ugh, like Every girl ever, I feel like life is so hard sometimes! Sometimes I day dream about getting preventative gastric bypass surgery, maybe from Dr. Robert Ray!? Like Every girl ever, I loved Dr. 90210 even though his straight gayishness was very confusing! All those bright colors. Just like Chuck Bass, but Brazilian and into martial arts!
Then I remind myself that the best idea is for me just to stick to my hardwork and be patient...Wait, do I smell sausage?
I guess we could go watch basketball and drink a bucket of beer. There's always time to be dedicated when there's nothing good to watch on TV.
xoxo
Every Girl Ever
