Some C-Good Advice

 

Last 4th of July I ate 4 beef hotdogs in one sitting and almost vomed on myself. How do I avoid repeating this on Sunday?

First of all, SICK. Okay, everyone has overindulged on holidays and The 4th of July is the bomb because you can drink tons of beer and eat total shit and blame it on being a good American, but 4 beef hotdogs isn't a good look on anyone. That's like 1/6 of a cow ass. You could get yourself
a red, white, and blue moo-moo and say F it, but I'd advise against this move, especially if you're single. Just tell everyone that you don't like hotdogs so it'd be weird if you ate so many. Once I told people I was a vegetarian and subsequently couldn't eat meat for 4 years. Honestly, just put
down the "J" and do a keg-stand because we all know beer doesn't contain calories. AMERICA!
 

My good friend has a big crush on this guy but he's smoking and I want to move in. What should I do?

Thou shall not covet.. Unless he's your soul-mate, back off. If she already has a man, the crush is just innocent, or she calls "dibs" on everyone, just ask her if it's cool. Don't swoop in like a trick
and do it behind her back. You'll humiliate her so much that she'll tell all of your mutual friends that you're a skank face slut. Fact. 

Really, what's the point? Out of all of the eligible bachelors in the world, why this one? Most likely because it's some twisted competition and that just makes you shallow. It's selfish and it signals that your character is weak. No one's perfect and a drunk
mistake is one thing, but a conscious effort to snag the beau she's been gushing over is a bitch move.

If you have a question for CGood, email cgood@thewellset.com.